Guide To Your Mary-Sue
by SuZyLooShNoO
Summary: Merton and Tommy discover the finer points of being in college-- Fret parties, Mary-Sues, drugs, and even some swearing!


A/n: Okay well… Warning: This story contains sexual, drug-related, and Mary-Sue humor, viewer discretion is advised. If you want something in character, I'd recommend turning back now. Yes this is a short, stupid fic. We hope you enjoy it and if you don't, we don't blame you.  
  
   
Guide To Your Mary-Sue   
   
By: Obscurus Lupa & SuZyLooShNoO  
  
It was college time for our heroes, a time for studying, studying, and . . . Fret parties. Merton and Tommy had somehow gotten some beer and now held it in their hands. Tommy was about to take a sip when Merton exclaimed, "Tommy! You're not going to actually drink that are you?" Tommy lowered the beer from his lips. "Well, yeah. Why not?" "We don't know what could be in that! There could be-er- um..." Merton stopped. "What?" Tommy asked. "There could be...alcohol-er in that..." Merton said, sheepishly. "Merton, it's beer," Tommy said, "It is alcohol." "I know, but . . . C'mon, someone could have drugged it!" Tommy rolled his eyes. "C'mon, dude, what are the chances of that?" "Fine," Merton said, "But don't come crawling to me after you've broken your neck from jumping off of a roof into a four-foot-deep pool." Tommy shook his head and took a sip of his drink.   
"See? Nothing happened; no drugs," said Tommy, as he took another sip. "Tommy, drugs don't take effect immediately," Merton explained, "Some of them have long term effects. If you'd have listened to me, you'd know that . . . I mean, look out at the stoners next door." "Dude, nothing's gonna' happen. We're at a party! Live a little! Don't be so paranoid," Tommy said, "I'm gonna' go check out some of the girls. Meet me by the bar later." Tommy turned and went into a another room.  
"Sure," Merton made his famous hand quotes, ""dude", I'll loosen up. I bet the girls would love to hang on with me . . . not." Merton rolled his eyes and looked around at the partying teenagers around him. The nerds were sitting on the couch playing Dungeons And Dragons, the cheerleaders and jocks were all getting drunk, and the stoners were . . . Well, doing what stoners did. "Great. So where do I fall in?" Merton sighed as he sat down on a step in the hallway. He smelt his beer, made a disgusted face, and placed it down next to him.  
As if some plot thickening paragraph had been started, he heard a soft voice. "Hello, I'm new here and just came here for no apparent reason and you, being one of the main characters, seemed friendly." Merton looked up and his eyes widened. He quickly stood up, knocking his beer on the floor, and over the bottom of his pants. He bent down to pick it up and set it up right, then wiped his pants with his hand, which was not too effective. Merton then stood back up and smiled sheepishly, extending a hand out.   
There was a beautiful girl standing there. She had long, beautiful ebony hair to the small of her back which shined and sparkled in the light of the room, sparkling crystal blue eyes, rosy lips, and a pale, clear complexion. A few fan fiction writers in the room saw her and cringed, hoping that the story would at least have proper spelling and grammar.   
"Er- hi. I'm Merton; Merton Dingle," he said with his hand still extended, waiting to be shook. "Oh," she said, and shook his hand, "I'm Ivana; Ivana Lickedick." "Pardon me?" "Ivana Lickedick. It's French," Ivana said, taking her hand back from Merton's grip, "So are you here with anyone?" "D'I, um . . . No, just me, heh heh," Merton smiled. Ivana smiled back, "Me neither. So you wanna' hang around and make fun of the asses who think they're cool?" "Yeah," Merton agreed, "Who needs uptight asses anyway?"   
They both laughed and went into the living room, where most of the cheerleaders and jocks were. They went over to a couch that had a passed out guy, with two beers in his hands, hanging over the side of it. They exchanged looks and sat down.   
"I like you a lot, do you wanna go out with me?" Merton asked after a whopping two minute conversation. "Well since I'm a Mary-Sue I'm guessing that I'm gonna' have to eventually, so sure," Ivana said and smiled at him. They smiled at each other and pulled into a memorable, passionate, sweet, tender, soft, rough, great, awesome, super kiss. Fireworks went off behind them and caught fire to the curtains.   
"So," Merton said as five people ran over to the curtains with fire extinguishers, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" "Nothing," Ivana replied, "Mary-Sues have no life, remember?" "Oh yeah. So then do you maybe wanna' go somewhere with me?" Merton asked. "Sure," the fiendish Mary-Sue replied, "I'll wear my sluttiest outfit." "Sounds good," Merton said, "Is seven o'clock okay?" "Sure, pick me up, you should already know where I live." "Yep. I think you told me your whole life story in that last two minute conversation we just had. So I'll see you then." "Okay," Ivana got up, "Tell my friends my biography when I'm gone." She turned around and left, Merton cocking his head and staring at her from behind.  
Tommy ran over to Merton, tripping over himself and slamming his head into a lamp, which then added to the fire by the curtains. "Dude! This party is wild!" he said, too drunk to even stand up. "I see you took my "drink responsibly" advice," Merton sighed, "You're not doing any driving tonight, mister." Merton smiled. "On the other hand, I met the hottest chick a few minutes ago in which you miraculously got drunk!" Tommy turned his head and threw up on the dog that passed by him. "What?" he said, as he wiped his mouth, "Oh yeah, great." Tommy felt his stomach and quickly covered his mouth. "Heh heh, how about we go back to our dorm?" Tommy stared at Merton. "No, not for that reason! We have school tomorrow even though I miraculously will have all the time in the world to go on a date with Ivana in which she'll probably bring a friend or a sister along to date you." "Cool," Tommy said. "Let's go," Merton said, and helped Tommy up and walked out to his car.  
  
Back at the dorm, Tommy had passed out on his bed. Merton sat and stared at picture of Ivana he had miraculously recovered and sighed. "Ah...Ivana...Ivana Lickedick. Such a wonderful name! Er- weird and confusing, but beautiful..." Merton said, as he slowly went to sleep.   
At The Factory, Ivana waited for Merton, even though earlier in the fic they had agreed on him picking her up. She hoped she didn't get too excited, otherwise her secret would be revealed . . .   
Merton entered and spotted Ivana. He smiled and walked over to her. "Hey," he said, with a wide smile on his face. "Hey," she said, getting up and kissing him on the cheek. They both sat down. "So have you been waiting here long?" Merton asked. "No. Just a couple of minutes," Ivana said. "So do you want something to drink?" "Okay," she said, " A Coke would be good." Merton smiled and walked over to the bar.   
'Hm,' Ivana thought, 'He looks really good right now . . . Of course, he's the main character, so of course he looks good. Maybe I should bring him to my mansion. My parents either don't care about me or have faded from existence at this point and time.' A few fan fiction authors in the room cringed, realizing how clichéd this fic was getting. Merton came back to the table with two drinks. "Here," he said, as he handed Ivana her drink. "Thanks, " she said, and took a sip. "So, wanna' dance?" She looked at Merton expectantly. "Uh, I can't dance," Merton replied nervously, "I mean, I have break-danced while I weighed about a metric ton, but I've seemed to have lost this ability." Ivana laughed. "Oh, c'mon. You can't be that bad. Here I'll help you," she said, and extended a hand.  
They went onto the dance floor. Merton stepped on Ivana's feet so many times he lost count, but after a couple minutes he miraculously learned how to get it almost perfect. Of course, Ivana danced perfectly and gracefully, swaying slowly to the beat. So they waltzed right there as Play That Funky Music White Boy blared loudly. "See? You're not that ba- Ow!" she exclaimed as Merton stepped on her foot. "Sorry," Merton said, smiling sheepishly. "It's okay. Why don't we go sit down now?" They left the dance floor to go sit at their table. "How about we take a walk in the park?" Merton suggested. "Sure," Ivana agreed, having no life other than what she did with Merton whatsoever, "Then we can go back to . . . My place." Merton smiled and realized how turned on he was and crossed his legs. "Okay," said Ivana with a smile, "I'd like that..."   
They walked out of the Factory and happened to appear in the park a second later. They held hands and walked on a path. "Look at the stars," Ivana said, looking up, "Aren't they beautiful?" Merton stared at Ivana and realized what he was doing, looking up at her face. She looked beautiful, more beautiful than anyone else he had been with. He looked up at the stars, smiling. "They're beautiful, yeah, but . . . " He looked over at Ivana, "You look better." Some fan fiction authors, who were watching from the bushes, gagged, one of them having a heart attack. "You're so sweet," she said. They turned and faced each other, then slowly pulled into a kiss. One of the fan fiction authors tried to jump out and strangle Ivana, but the others held her back, telling her to just let the fic run it's course.   
Ivana pulled away and looked into the woods. "Did you hear something?" she asked. "No, just some people vomiting over there by some trees, but that's it," Merton said, trying to calm down. "Oh, hey. Weren't we supposed to bring a friend with us so they can date each other?" Ivana asked. "Nah, that's only with the ones that are normal, you probably have some superpower or something I have yet to know about." "Oh yeah. Well when am I going to reveal this superpower?" she said, as the readers got fed up and started to throw their computers out their windows. "Make up some lame excuse to go because your powers are going to show up any minute, I think," Merton explained. "Okay," she said. Ivana checked her watch. "Oh my God. I'm sorry Merton, but I have to go. The 'Olsen Twins' Marathon' is about to come on in five minutes." Ivana quickly kissed Merton and ran out of the park. "How strange . . . " The fan fiction authors holding back the one trying to kill Ivana let go, taking out some butter knives and trying to kill themselves.  
The next day, Merton ran up to Tommy at his locker. "Tommy!" Merton exclaimed. "Oh hey, man. What's up?" Tommy said. "Well I went on a date last night with Ivana and were in the park and then she made some weird excuse and then just ran off. I think she's hiding something," said Merton. "C'mon, Merton," Tommy said, "You're just being paranoid. After all, we have lockers even though we have a dorm here at this college, anything's possible." "Yeah. Maybe you're right. Well I'm going to see her tonight, and if she is hiding something, I'm blaming you," Merton said. Tommy shook his head. "You sure you guys don't wanna stick around? They're having a toga party at the stoner's place." "Er- No thanks," Merton said. "Okay. Your loss then. But if you change your minds, stop by," said Tommy. "Can do," his friend replied, "But for now I've got class." Merton turned and left.   
Later that night Merton waited for Ivana at the Hungry Bucket. He was excited to have a date with her, but still eerie about that whole superpower thing. He sat at a table, looking around and checking his watch often. No sooner had he check his watch when he saw Ivana. A boy was hitting on her and she was pushing him away. Merton glared and got up. He walked over to Ivana and the boy. "Excuse me," he said, tapping the boy on the shoulder, "I believe that's my girlfriend." The boy turned around, revealing him to be a short nerd. Merton laughed. "A nerd? Listen, why don't you go back to your Calculus tutoring?" The nerd glared at him and punched Merton, sending him back into a table. "You're lucky," the nerd said, "that I do have Calculus tutoring to get to." The nerd turned and walked away.   
Ivana, being very dramatic, as all Mary-Sues are, ran over to Merton. "Merton! Merton, are you okay?" she asked. "Yeah, of course I'm okay," the Goth replied, standing up, "Are you?" "I am now," she said and smiled, "Thank you." A customer chokes on a piece of chicken in the background, in horror of Ivana.   
Ivana realized her powers were going to be revealed and pointed. "Look behind you, the Olsen twins!" Merton looked behind him. "Where?! MUST DIE!!!" As stupid as she is, Ivana thought she could hide her powers by ducking under the table that they were at. "Uh, Ivana? Why are you under the table?" "Don't look at me! What ever you do, do not come down here!" she exclaimed. There was a pause and Merton just stood there, whistling and looking around. "Hey! You're not supposed to listen to me. Get down here," Ivana said. "Oh," Merton said, and then ducked under the table. His eyes widened and he fell back in shock when he looked at her.   
"Ivana, you're-- You're--" "Yes, I know. It's true! I am an Olsen Twins' fan!" she said, sobbing. "But, Ivana," Merton said, staring at Ivana's Olsen twin line up clothing, purse, make-up, and the Mary-Kate and Ashley videos in her hand, "You're . . . You're different . . . Not like any other Olsen twins fan I've ever dated." "Yes. I don't quite have the whole Olsen collecting set yet. I plan on getting the video games on Christmas," she said, her face lighting up a bit. "Well, I don't mean it that way," Merton explained, "You're different than everyone actually . . . How come you never told me that you were . . . " "This?" she asked, looking at herself. "I thought I would freak you out, and that you wouldn't want to date me anymore. I'm right, aren't I?" she said, lowering her head. "Actually, no," Merton said, "But, um . . . Mind telling me what you are?" "I- I'm a- I'm a werebear," Ivana said, sighing, "I know it's unusual, and that I'm the only one, but that's what makes me unique and special, right?" the freak asked. "Well, you are freaky, but to keep the plot going, I'm supposed to understand. Wanna go back to your place and do it?" "Okay," the annoying, freakish, teddy bear said. They both stood up and walked toward Merton's hearse, a couple of people laughing hysterically and others crying, and pleading for this fan fic to end.  
  
Back at Ivana's place, Merton held a condom in his hand. he had never used one before and looked at it closely, trying not to look stupid. "Merton," Ivana said, making Merton jump, "Are you okay? Do you want something to drink?" "Er-- No thanks, heh heh . . . " Ivana left anyway. Merton turned the condom over in his hands. "Is it supposed to go over it . . . ? Or maybe it . . . Nah, I think that's how it's used . . . " Merton sat there and looked around. All he saw was all Mary-Kate and Ashley stuff, nothing else except an Nsync picture. The room was mostly purple and pink, with a pink hearts on the bed sheets. Ivana appeared in the door way.   
"GAH!" Merton stared at her, "What am I doing?" Merton got up. "Sorry, Ivana, plain and simple . . . Oh screw it! I'm outta here!" He ran out of the room. Some fan fiction authors, who were watching through the window, snickered and left.   
Merton was driving in his hearse when he saw a bunch of people gathered around the front of a house, looking up at the roof. Someone was on top of it, jumping up and down with a bottle in has hand. Merton stopped the car and looked closely at the person. "Tommy!" Merton said, and ran out of his car. "Tommy, get your ass off of that roof!" Merton yelled angrily. After his experience with Ivana, he couldn't deal with his drunk friend. "Who's that?" Tommy asked, and squinted, "Oh, Merton! Dude, watch this. I'm gonna jump off of this roof into that tiny glass of water down there!" "You dumbass, there is no glass of water!" "Really? Oh well. I'm gonna jump any way, just for the hell of it!" Tommy said and started to move back. "Tommy, no!" Merton's eyes widened. "Wheeeeee!" Tommy ran to the edge of the roof and tripped over the gutter. He flipped in mid-air and crashed into some bushes.   
"Tommy, you jackass," Merton sighed and went over to the bushes, using his sober instincts and helping his drunk friend up. "Dude...That was...that was fun! I wanna do that again!" Tommy fell to the ground, knocked out. Merton sighed and smiled. "Oh, Tommy, you careless freak." He looked at the camera and did a thumbs up. Merton turned and picked Tommy up, almost falling over. He dragged him to the back of his hearse and put him in the back seat.   
"So," Merton looked back at his unconscious friend as he put the keys in the ignition, "What are we doing tomorrow night?" He drove off in the direction of their dorm.   
The End! …aren't you glad?  
A/n: See what we mean? Heh heh. Review, flame, MST, whatever… 


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